Loser
by Not A Pretty Girl
Summary: When there's nothing left to live for.


"Loser"   
A Gundam Wing Songfic  
  
Breathe in right away  
Nothing seems to fill this place  
  
  
The silhouette of a young boy stands leaning against a cold, brick wall, his shoulders rounded in defeat. Rain splatters down around him, catching in his long chestnut brown hair and forming little pools of misery at his feet. The boy sighs, his voice thick with sorrow, and adjusts the solid gray trench coat so it further shadows his face. The cool night air blows harshly against his back, and the boy stands erect, a chill running up and down his spine. His lips twist into a bitter smile and he starts off down the street, his hands jammed roughly in his pockets.  
  
  
I need this every time  
So take your lies, get off my case  
  
  
*So many memories* the boy thought wryly, weaving his way through the bustling crowd. His head was bent low in tormented thought, the tip of a long, brown braid barely visible underneath his coat. *How can I possibly escape them all?* He closed his eyes briefly, feeling tears welling up and sliding down his cheeks, making a mockery of the rain. What was wrong with him? He was Duo Maxwell, God of Death. He never cried. Until now.   
  
  
Some day I will find, a love that flows   
Through me like this  
  
  
He didn't need to question himself what was wrong. He knew what it was. Had known for the longest time. His life was transformed into nothing but a shallow facade, and his blissfully cheerful mask was just about worn out. And it was all her fault. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was her face. Those innocent eyes, those cherub lips, that unruly black hair. Hilde. She was like an angel. But why did his angel torment him so?  
  
  
This will fall away, this will fall away  
  
  
Suddenly, the world seemed to slip out from under his feet. He knew why he was tortured by Hilde. He loved her. Loved her more than she did him, only a thousand times over. Loved everything about her, from the way she laughed at all his jokes to the way her eyes sparkled when she smiled. Every kiss, every touch was as though he were floating in heaven. But he was afraid. The feelings inside him were foreign, alien. He had never shown the real Duo to anyone before, but rather kept his true feelings locked away inside. In that light, he was just as much a soulless warrior as Heero himself.   
Duo opened his eyes and blinked away the tears. *No more.* he decided, breaking into a run and sending late night pedestrians scattering in all directions. *I love you Hilde. But it's killing me inside.*  
  
  
You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
  
  
*Faster...faster..* he urged himself, his feet echoing noisily on the wet cement below. Maybe if he ran fast enough, he could outrun his skin. All his problems would be left behind. Then he could really fly.   
*Faster…faster*  
Don't think. Just run.   
  
  
Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later  
You know I'll be dead  
  
  
She heard him before she saw him. His breathing was heavy and labored, each step he took was accented by the heavy clink of metal from the silver cross on his chest. "Duo?" she questioned, her breath catching as she saw him. Something was wrong. His eyes…they were empty. He blew past her without a word, his long gray overcoat fluttering dejectedly to the muddy ground, landing in a soft pile at her feet. She stopped over and gingerly picked it up, cradling the soft fabric in one arm and holding the umbrella in the other. "Duo!" she called into the night, her words getting swallowed up by the empty air. The rain poured down harder, and she began to run, slipping and sliding at first, but eventually gaining ground. She knew where he was going. And she knew she had to stop him.   
  
  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope  
And I'm taking the fall  
  
  
Duo stopped running abruptly, his dirty black gym shoes making skid marks in the mud below. He blinked rain out of his eyes and gazed up at the scene before him. *Don't back down now Duo…* he berated himself, starting the long climb up the pathway. *You only brought this on yourself.* Slowly, the braided pilot began to ascend the steep stony peak brimming with needle sharp trees and jagged rocks. One foot in front of the other. Right. Left. Right. Left. Branches whipped out at him, stinging his face and drawing scratches on his arms and legs. Thorns stuck in his skin, oozing tiny droplets of deep red. Still, he continued, up the path to the top of the hill. And to the narrow cliff that jutted out over the roaring ocean below.   
  
  
Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser  
Yeah…  
  
  
Without any warning, Duo broke free of the underbrush and found himself standing on a constricted plateau, seemingly devoid of anything living. The wind howled incessantly, contrasting radically with the crashing waves beneath it. Duo breathed in deeply and tasted the salty air of the sea. He would end it all, here. Tonight. His hand, shaking but firm, moved up to his neck, his graceful fingers encircling the single silver chain residing there. With a defiant tug, Duo pulled the chain, breaking the clasp loose. He pulled off the necklace and held it flat on his palm, gazing softly down at it through tear filled eyes. And on the broken chain, his treasured cross winked up at him, glimmering ominously in the half light. Without having time to debate it, Duo threw the cross unceremoniously into the mud and ground it into the soft earth with the heel of his shoe. He took a deep, shuddering breath and began to walk towards the edge of the cliff side.   
  
  
This is getting old  
I can't break these chains that I hold  
  
  
Meanwhile, across town, another individual was beginning to loose hope in everything, including himself. Rain pattered helplessly against the window panes of the apartment building, trying futilely to enter the enclosed haven within. A boy stood close to the window, gazing out at the starless night with a growing unease. It was coming again. The depression. The sleepless nights that held him hostage, week after week. The boy sighed, and gazed at his reflection in the window. Cold, emotionless prussian blue eyes stared back, eyeing his own persona with a calculated stare. His features were rigid and defined, forever drawn in the look of a solider at attention.   
The rain splattered against the glass with more force, sliding down the transparent wall like the tears he never had. The boy turned away from the window, disgusted. When did he become so heartless?  
  
  
My body's growing cold  
There's nothing left of this mind or my soul  
  
  
Heero Yuy. The Perfect Soldier. Admired by all, feared by many. Hated by one. Himself.   
*Was I always like this?* he wondered, sitting down on the edge of the uncomfortably stiff bed and staring down at the faded carpet. *Was I always nothing but a machine? A mercenary? An assassin?* No matter how many times he asked himself the question, it still remained unanswered. A mystery, until the day he died. Heero smirked and turned his attention to the dresser sitting beside the bed. On its rough wooden surface rested a single photograph. He knelt down beside the cabinet and gently picked the frame off the tabletop, allowing himself to gaze at its beauty for awhile. He closed his eyes and set the picture down again, leaning against the bed and wishing he could fall asleep and never wake up.   
*Relena* he growled, addressing the woman in the photograph.   
*Why do you do this to me?*  
  
  
Addiction needs a pacifier  
  
  
It was within that girl that all his problems lay. She was the one who nearly drove him mad the first moment they met. She was the one who stirred up something inside him that he thought he buried long ago. She was the one who made him human. And he loved her for it. No. Loathed her. Blindly, Heero stumbled to his feet, clutching his head. She was like a cancer, eating away inside him, always present and never wavering. Then why in God's name did he love her so much? "No!" he shouted suddenly, whirling around and knocking her picture off the dresser with one sweep of his hand. He watched as the picture fell, in what seemed like slow motion, crashing to the ground below and sending shards of glass everywhere. Heero stood and stared at it, feeling comforted by the fact that it was gone. Only then did he register that his head was pounding.   
Dazed, he wandered over to the bathroom and flung open the mirrored door of the medicine cabinet. Bottles, of all colors, shapes and sizes, glared back at him. Heero blinked, unfazed, and grabbed a bottle of aspirin off the shelf. He popped two pills in his mouth and swallowed. The cabinet remained open.  
*2 more..* he thought vaguely, shaking out five pills into his outstretched palm. *Just a few more. Maybe it will make the pain go away…*  
  
  
The buzz of this poison is taking me higher  
  
  
He knew what he was doing.   
Heero had never done, and never would do, anything out of ignorance. When he finally closed the medicine cabinet door, his own bloodshot eyes stared back at him, reflecting his pain. Empty pill bottles were strewn all over the floor, littering the ground. Heero's shaking hand still remained curled around the handle of the mirrored cabinet, quivering and strangely cold. He leaned over the sink, breathing hard.   
He knew what he had done.  
*I wonder what Relena would say,* he thought, a twisted sense of irony surfacing through his misery. He looked up at the mirror and frowned. His reflection became unbearable to look at. It mirrored himself, and it was his own being that he hated. With a quick, determined blow, Heero punched the mirror, his fist connecting directly in the center. The glass fractured, spiraling into a spiderweb pattern to match the trickle of blood running in between his knuckles. Heero's stomach gave an almighty lurch and he sank to his knees, throwing up blood onto the shards of glass below.   
  
  
And this will away, this will fall away  
  
  
*God,* Heero thought, unsure how to begin. He never spoke to God before. Never believed in God. But for some reason, it was nice to fantasize that someone was out there. Someone who understood him. Because he sure as hell didn't understand himself. Heero grimaced as another wave of pain washed over him, and he abandoned any hopes of prayer. His right leg seized up, and he slipped, tumbling face first into the bloody mess on the floor below. A piece of glass punctured the skin just above his left eyebrow, sending a fresh wave of blood trickling from the gash on his forehead. Heero waited, certain that the silent blankness of unconsciousness would come. But it never did. Only pain seared through his world, never once coming close to the pain in his heart.   
  
  
You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
  
  
Relena stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes widened in surprise and her grasp tightened on the umbrella in her hand, clenching the pure white wood so tight, her knuckles turned white as well. *Heero.* she thought, feeling a pain deep inside her. *Something is wrong with Heero.* She whirled around to see Pagan standing behind her, offering her his arm. "Is there something wrong, Miss Relena?"  
She nodded slowly, her mind a mess of thought. She had to go to him; find him. Help him. The only problem was, she didn't know where he lived. Heero moved so often, he didn't even bother telling her anymore. Relena collapsed into her grandfatherly butler's arms, sobbing into his shoulder. She had never felt more helpless before in her life. Pagan, being the gentleman he was, comforted his young mistress with a small pat on her back, knowing this was not nearly enough solace as she needed. "Perhaps," he suggested, leading the princess back to the limo, "We should stop off for a visit at the cathedral…"  
Relena nodded, her tears streaming down her face and mixing in with the rain drops so she couldn't tell where one liquid ended and another began.   
"Yes," she whispered quietly. "Let's go to the church."  
  
  
Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later  
You know I'll be dead  
  
  
"DUO!" Hilde called, her voice ripping from her throat as though they were the last words she was ever to speak. The braided pilot refused to acknowledge her presence, but rather kept right on walking. He looked almost godlike, standing amidst a raging storm in nothing but his normal priest wear, head bowed in obvious prayer. Hilde raced through the underbrush towards him, biting her lower lip so hard it began to bleed. "Duo!" she called desperately, hearing the distant rumble of thunder and the crash of a wave against the shore. "Please stop…"   
Duo whirled around to confront her then, his face contorted by sadness and pain. "Hilde-" he began with a viscously angry tone to his voice, but trailed off as she encircled her arms around him. "God dammit, Duo!" she whispered, locking onto his eyes and refusing to let him go. She pulled him into a kiss, and he didn't resist her efforts.   
  
  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope  
And I'm taking the fall  
Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser  
  
  
When they broke away, both their mouths were smeared with the blood from Hilde's previously wounded lip. It gave Duo a wild look, his eyes lit up with a feral sort of insanity that only he could comprehend. He gazed at Hilde with haunted eyes. "I wasn't going to say good-bye, you know." He said, his mouth barely forming the words. Hilde flung herself at him and encased him in a hug. "I'm never letting you go Duo," she whispered, wondering how he could ever contemplate suicide. "I love you too much."  
  
  
You're getting closer  
To pushing me off of life's little edge  
Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later  
You know I'll be dead  
  
  
Duo pulled away from her, his eyes wild. "If it's not tonight, then there's always another time." He hollered over the rush of the wind, not knowing where his words came from. "You're not my mother, Hilde. You can't guard me forever." Hilde looked at him, trying to see a glimmer of the Duo she used to know, but finding none.  
"But, why?"  
He lowered his head, staring down at the cross half buried in the mud streaked ground and whispered. "I love you. But I'm afraid to..." His words were cut off when Hilde slipped her small hand in his. "Wherever you go," she whispered, squeezing his hand tight. "I'll follow you. To hell and back."  
  
  
You're getting closer  
You're holding the rope  
  
  
Heero half crawled, half dragged himself out of the hellhole that once could be called a bathroom, and onto the soft carpeting of his room. He knew he was taking the coward's way out, but for once in his life, he thought he deserved to be a coward. He took a shuddering breath and fell backwards onto the carpet, staring blankly up at the ceiling overhead.   
*Relena…*  
  
  
And I'm taking the fall  
  
  
As Relena stepped inside the church, she felt a calming peace steal over her grief-wracked body. The giant cathedral was shrouded in almost complete darkness, except for the few candles that cast an eerie light on everything around. Religious servants, clothed in majestic scarlet robes and hoods knelt along the walls, bent over in worship. Relena could see their lips moving, and hear the low murmur of ancient prayer. She herself settled down in the corner of the church, by a little alter adorned with white, iridescent candles. Slowly, deliberately, she lit each one, murmuring her own prayers under her breath. Rocking quietly back and forth, Relena gave herself up to the ritual, and bowed her head in reverence. Just when she thought her nerves had calmed down a bit, a tremor ran through her body, making her gasp in horror and sit upright as though she'd been shocked.   
"Oh God, he's dying!"   
The young princess leapt to her feet, sending candles and incense scattering everywhere. The priests looked up from their meditation in surprise as the one responsible for the disruption fled down the aisles of the church, tears streaming from her face and sparkling hopefully before staining the ground below. The blonde haired girl made as if she were going to run out into the pouring rain when her elderly butler grabbed a hold of her waist and brought her crashing back to the ground.  
"Miss Relena, you cannot save him now…" She looked up at him with pleading eyes, and he shook his aged head. "I'm sorry." He stated looking at his young mistress.  
"You must learn to say goodbye."  
  
  
Cause I'm a loser,  
  
  
With one last shuddering breath, Heero felt his heart slowly coming to a stop. His systems started to shut down. His fingers, now cold and lifeless, still were curled protectively around Relena's picture, his thumb positioned right next to her face. Heero Yuy closed his eyes once last time and let himself slowly sink into the deep blackness that offered him peace. *Mission Completed.* he thought, finding it odd that he could still think at all. *Aishiteru Relena. Now and forever.*  
  
  
I'm a loser…  
  
  
"Hilde," Duo began, but she quieted him with a finger to his lips. "I couldn't bear to live without you." He gazed into her eyes and realized that he could trust his feelings with her. He could offer himself to her and she would never turn away. He did love her. She looked at him, with the same emotion in her eyes and they shared their last kiss.  
  
  
[Fadeout]  
  
  
The water was cold and sharp, cutting through the shore like a knife. It swallowed up the two intruders, welcoming them to an icy grave. The sea keeps all secrets. The sea never lies. And when you go deep enough,  
There's always silence.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT, in any way shape or form, own Gundam Wing. Bandai and some other companies do. I also DO NOT own the song "Loser". The band 3 Doors Down does. I DO own this story. Please don't copy.   
  



End file.
